Friday, March 31, 2006

Yeee Haaawwww

Well, I'm going to the bull riding competition tonight. I'm also gonna see some kiddies do some muttin bustin and see that little bastard 'Whiplash'. In case you dont know who Whiplash is, here is a picture of him.



I really hate monkeys and am currently devising a plan to hurt the little buggar in some way. I'm thinking a poisoness grape or something. If you have any better ideas, let me know!

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Sticky bun disappointment

I had to inspect an office in Jamesport last Thursday. (home of the Amish around here) I always get excited to go there because of the warm friendly atmosphere and best of all... thier homeade sticky buns. They are the size of my head and just melt in your mouth. I guess walking around barefoot and never taking an indoor shower makes you one helluva baker. I suppose the no tv thing has something to do with it too.

Anyway, I'm on my way to the office and decide to make short work of the inspection. The sooner I finish, the sooner I can devour the little piece of heaven. It was dead and there were no patients in the office. (Excellent!) The office manager was quick and thorough. It made me wonder if she knew I had an alternative motive for being in her quaint little town. I thanked her and left.

I headed down the main street. At this point, my mouth is all but watering. I get out of my car and very quickly walk to the doorway to the bakery. I pull on the door, but it wont budge. (WTF?) I look at a small sign on the door and it reads "Closed on Thursday". I stood in shock for about a milisecond, then without any thought or warning I yelled, "Well, Son of a Bitch!"

Apparently, that was something I shouldnt have said out loud. A few Amish men across the alley looked at me and I could have sworn, bolts of lightning shot from thier eyes and flew through my head. They quickly looked away as if the devil himself was standing right there in front of thier beloved bakery.

I got back in my car and left. Fuck those turds. Whoever heard of being closed on a Thursday anyway.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

My astrological sex sign

Taurus and Sex
Taurus is one alluring package, thanks in part to their love of beautiful things. Those lucky enough to snare this lover will find that the best, amazingly, has been hidden from view! In private, the Bull is an intense partner, and one quite happy to have sensual encounters go on all night long. The Energizer Bunny of the Zodiac has arrived! These days and nights of play should be punctuated with conversation, fantasies, seduction, even a few edible treats, the better to create the perfect mood. Sex as a release from the more practical aspects of life is often all the Bull wants. If this play date can be scheduled for Taurus's beloved home, all the better, since comfort is always on the Bull's mind.

Check out your sex sign here

Just click on your astrological sign to the left. You may have to scroll down the page a little.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Inconsiderate

My boss walked in this morning and tells us that he went to bed at 7pm last night and didnt get up until 9 this morning. Apparently he was sick all day yesterday. Which was baffling to the rest of us, considering he was eating candy all day and running around like nothing was wrong. Well, come to find out...he had a really high fever and threw up. WHAT A DOUCHE BAG!!

He might as well as come in my office and spit on me after licking my keyboard real good. Now we will all end up sick, because he was too inconsiderate to leave his sick ass at home. Inconsiderate Bastard!

Friday, March 03, 2006

My favorite is BLUE !

Click on your favorite color to see what psychologists can find about you from your color preference (ignore the particular shade shown).




Analysis

RED: People who like red tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is ignited, it may take hours to extinguish. When two reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterly blush. Lovers of red tend to be aggressors and weaker colors should be aware.

YELLOW: If you or your partner tend to flavor yellow, your sexual drives are complex and turn toward the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is yellow. But of course - not everyone who wears yellow is gay. In most cases the person will consent to the stronger partner's desires in a passive manner. You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from somebody you enjoy or admire.

PINK: Persons who like pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters: women tend to tease, to promise more than they intend to deliver. In some cases they flaunt their femininity - but because they secretly hate men. A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire wardrobes in pink. Men who like pink are the philanderers and flirts. They are the type who will make three dates for the same evening and not keep one, preferring to pick up a dish in some bar instead. Women whose husbands like pink should keep a secret nest egg.

PURPLE: Lovers of purple frequently consider themselves to be too sophisticated for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who hate to mess their hair. Men are business-like in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes purple partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than anyone else's gratification.

BLACK: A good many people will choose black as their favorite color, without really thinking about the question. Those people who really do have a black color preference are rare. It points to a liking for black sex. These people are the misfits of the sex world and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted sex and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody people and often perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy times. Police psychiatrists claim that sex offenders prefer the color black. And it is no coincidence that the uniform of monsters and teenage gangs is black attire.

GREEN: Those who prefer green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex. Women who love green will always make love like virgins all their life. And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward but in a charming and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about infidelity.

ORANGE: Lovers of the color orange lean toward sexual fantasies. The sex act is regarded as a dramatic one-act play in which they are the star. Foreplay is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet nothings, meaningless dialogue; they feel it is their image. Orange people often do not experience orgasm - but they put on a darn good act. Men tend to pull their partner's hair, and women leave red welts on the sex partner's back.

BROWN: If you or your partner love brown, you're a real treasure for the right mate. Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep, sensitive to the needs and desires of their partners. Sex is a 24 hour a day thing. Where you can't say "I love you" often enough. Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching snowflakes on their tongue is a turn-on to a lover of brown. They need lots of time and privacy to make love. But their emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair.

GREY: The color GREY a preferred by people who are indecisive. They can't get excited about anything - including color - so they choose a noncommittal shade. Men who prefer GREY look at sex as a way of relieving tension-but nothing more, nothing less. It's wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Women don't make love, they have intercourse. And for one of two reasons only: to accommodate their mate, or to become pregnant. They count the cracks in the bedroom plaster until the sex act is over with and done. But when teamed with another color, the GREY spouse considers the other's infidelity a blessing. When GREY marries another GREY, the marriage is made in heaven.

BLUE: Lovers of blue are wonderful sex partners. They are sinners, affectionate and sensitive to their partner's need. They consider love making a fine art and their approach is elegant. Men who love blue are like concert pianists, delicately ravaging their partner like they would play a baby grand. Women in the blue category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are exciting partners but their passion may be compared to a tidal wave rather than fiery aggression. Both women and men enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of lovemaking, as much as the sex act itself. In marriage a blue person is a wonderful mate - never seeking outside interests.

WHITE: If a person is infatuated with white, sex often seems filthy. These people are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and to make love in the daylight in unheard of. Women who love white will undress beneath the covers. Men will shower before and after the sex act. These people still use pet names for their genitals.

No Color Preference: Most people claim they haven't a favorite color & go on to claim it's Black, but that's very rare. Think about the question. Try this, think of room painted in only one color. Walls, ceiling, floor & furniture. If you had to stay in it for a few minutes, what color would you like it to be? Now go back to the colors.

Old Flame

Had a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to
enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'magic'.

Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to the challenge!!!
"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute and she was sure I would still be a great lover!
"Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she giggled.....


So I told her to fuck off.

I wish....

I wish...

-I had a $1000 for everytime I've ate taco bell.

-I could be a highway patrolman for just one full day.

-I could stop doing math in my head while I run.

-My new Victoria Secret, yellow bra & panty set would show up already.

-Stupid people would just spontaneously combust at my command.

-I was on the beach, waiting to go marlin fishing.

-I lived on the ocean.

-I knew who my 'secret admirer' was when I turned 21.

-I could star in a major motion picture.

-I could go on an archeological dig.

-I could go bike riding with Lance Armstrong.

-I could take a year off work to see the world.

Oh...and win the lottery, of course.